Riding the Boston Express as I type this. I don’t intend for this to be intelligible necessarily, just trying to word-vomit what’s on my mind.

It’s about time I decided to do something for leisure. I imagined myself as someone who’d have the self-awareness to attend to my personal needs beyond professional development.

While I’m there, I would like to reconsider my relationship to the northeast US. When I stop and think, I feel tied to this area. The world started feeling crazy due to covid, and I sought out stability. I wouldn’t say my time at DEKA and in Manchester wasn’t a problem, but starting at Ansys was the beginning of the end for me. Despite not being a great fit at DEKA, I felt like part of a team with shared responsibility and buy-in from test technicians to project managers. This was not the case at Ansys.

I think it’s a problem that I don’t have collaborative efforts outside of work. I don’t know how to manage burnout for extended (> 1 year) projects. I am used to working on something for six months to one year then moving on.

I’ve thought this as a kind of commitment issue when I relate it to my other experiences. I tell myself that I need to find the community that fosters starting projects and being held accountable by sharing my progress, but I do not actively sesek it out. I’m not a poster, I’m still rather shy about presenting myself publicly.

Everyone wishes they can snap a finger and correct the flaws they see in themselves, but we all know that more attention, care, and thought should be put into it. My brother carries around that book of questions, which I think could be effective if one is discplined enough to check it periodically, and the proper amount of time is devoted to thinking deeply and intentionally.

I would imagine 15-30 minutes of meditation at the beginning and end of each day would do me wonders, but my brain get upset that I’m not doing something more immediate. My brain doesn’t realize that I’m attending to myself for the slow burn.