Summer

This summer marks the first time I really feel on my own.

I start my graduate program at WPI in the fall, however I secured an apartment lease in Worcester that started June 1st. Truly living on my own has reminded me of the minutia that most people must consider.

Remembering to lock my doors and bring my keys; learning city trash policies; starting the Massachussetts residency process; taking it easy after hurting my back; it’s a level of individual responsibility that I haven’t taken on since my semester in Iceland. Even then, I was fresh out of undergrad, feeling like a college kid, and still living on my parents’ dime.

Now I’m the sole guarantor on my rental contract, getting all my groceries, and paying all my bills.

As someone who typically beats the drum of personal responsibility, it’s slightly embarrassing that it took this long, but I am learning to put my pride behind me and practice what I preach.

Wearing my proactive optimist hat, I decided to visit Higgins Laboratory to see if anyone was present for the summer. While Statia (our dept. office administrator) wasn’t, Mahdi was up in the lab. He had to finish his section of a paper that his team is presenting by the end of the week, a survey of machine learning methods in computational fluid dynamics. I managed to distract him from this high priority task to ask about courses, qualifying exams, and life in Worcester in general. He provided reassurance about the academics, and that if I’m proactive enough to show up in June, that I shouldn’t worry.

Mahdi is great. I look forward to studying with him.

I have been rather anxious about starting school again

Reflecting deeper, I have self-imposed an unreasonable amount of pressure on myself. I have an impression that I have to go above and beyond because the school is paying my tuition and giving me a stipend. While I’ve demonstrated myself at work and taken on projects in my spare time, I haven’t experienced the rigor of something like graduate fluids courses since Iceland. Adding to my full-time remote job, I will also be working as a teaching assistant. While having confidence that I am capable of helping out undergrads, it is another responsibility on my plate.

When I sit back and try removing my overthinking from the picture and focus on my lived experience, I’ve only had positive indicators. Everyone working with my adviser is friendly has given a solid endorsement. My personal experience with him has reinforced these sentiments.

While this isn’t at the top of my concerns causing me stress, it is a concern that causes me stress. I am doing my best to make a conscious effort to lower my stress, however doing so becomes a test of my patience. Despite being away from home, I’m still relatively isolated; my body is starting to break down on me; I’m not seeing enough progress at work to feel good about myself; I’m not motivated enough to delve into a deeper personal project.

I know that I need to be kinder to myself and relax.

I’m going to be studying at WPI for five years, I need to get myself into a suitable condition to do so.

I give myself excuses why I should feel sorry for myself and wallow, but that does me absolutely no good. I should be okay with not being 100% and give focus to getting myself as close to 100% as I can.

I find myself getting into funks much more often now

I have a feeling it’s because I’m dealing with mounting career responsibilities in parallel with personal issues, including my health and my relationships.

I am not incapable of doing work during these times, but it severely limits how deep I can allow myself to go. I can always allow myself to grind myself to the bone, but I have been doing this for the past 3-4 years. I am trying to tell myself it’s okay to not grind myself to the bone, but I’m starting a PhD program in two months. My impression is that I will have to apply myself moreso than I have while at work, which I see as an existential threat; I will have to drive to campus; I will have to sit in lecture; I will have to sit to study. All of these are terrible for my back.

I don’t know if I’m supposed to be taking things more easily than I should be. I don’t know if I should be away from my family and hometown right now. I find myself not knowing things, when I typically am so sure of myself.

It’s during these times that I turn inward to media, usually anime.

I try to play video games first, but I pull up my Steam library and flounder with listlessness and indecision. Perhaps I boot up Cyberpunk 2077 for 15 minutes, wonder what the fuck I’m doing, then Alt–F4.

To justify my behavior, I’d suggest that anime is more efficient in world building and character development compared to singleplayer video games, which feels like I’m robbing myself of enjoyment. I’m not allowing myself to waste a bit of time and immerse myself into a world. This is where Breath of the Wild was very different. It was such a compelling and beautiful world that I couldn’t ignore it, I had to experience what it had to offer. It’s been a very long time since I’ve felt that from a video game.

Cyberpunk feels too dry. Minecraft is too much of a sandbox. Rust is too competitive and cutthroat.

It feels like I’m not allowing myself to be happy.

It’s clear to me that I’m missing something when I get in these moods, but I find difficult determining what that something is.

It’s very rich, coming from a person who often sings Brand New’s The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot:

If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand

Hope you find out what you want, already know what I am

I have always considered myself as more self-aware than others. Maybe this self-awareness wavers in the moment of whatever mischief I get myself into, but I ultimately know what I’m doing at any given time when I reflect upon it.

I worry that I take this self-awareness too seriously, that I am watching myself with an incredibly vigilant eye, but I know that I require this attention, that I’m capable of causing real damage to myself and others.

I suppose this is why I’ve always preferred being absorbed in my work. When I assess myself as objectively as I can, I am trouble. I am selfish. I give into my base desires. I am a hypocrite when it benefits me.

As long as I consume myself with righteous goals, whether in industry or academia, I can distract myself from my reality.